JCV Higher Reach

And other thoughts on how to create a positive and productive working relationship with your boss. 

Most of the time—though it may not always feel that way—your manager is on your side. Still, managing people is often harder than doing the work yourself.

When we’re the doer, we control the what, how, how fast, and how well. We give ourselves immediate feedback and allow for mistakes with more grace. But when we manage others, we lose much of that control while remaining accountable for results—and sometimes for the consequences of failure.

Most of us answer to someone. The challenge is making the most of that relationship so we can achieve shared goals in an environment that feels successful and satisfying. Below are a few thoughts on the dynamics of these relationships and how to work more effectively within them.

Feedback: The Constant Companion

Feedback is a crucial part of the manager–team member relationship. The problem? Most of us struggle to receive it.

Even well-intended suggestions, critical comments, or alternative solutions can trigger emotional reactions or tension. In his book “Triggers”, Marshall Goldsmith describes a cycle: Trigger → Impulse → Behavior—often leading to frustration or resistance.

Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone, writing in Harvard Business Review (Jan/Feb 2014), identified three common feedback triggers:

• Truth Triggers – Set off by the content of the feedback. If it feels unhelpful or untrue, frustration and distrust follow.
• Relationship Triggers – Sparked by who delivers the feedback. If you doubt their credibility or perspective, you’re likely to reject it.
• Identity Triggers – Tied to self-perception. Even valid feedback can shake confidence and provoke an emotional response.

These reactions are natural. Ignoring them doesn’t help. Instead, understanding the intent behind feedback—and anticipating your own response—can make it easier to absorb and even benefit from.

Karate vs. Aikido: A Metaphor for Communication

Years ago, Meg Wheatley, in her book Leadership and the New Science, introduced me to Aikido as a metaphor for communication

When we feel criticized or attacked, we often adopt a defensive stance—blocking, countering, or proving the other person wrong. That’s Karate: prepare for attack, block, strike.

Aikido takes a different approach: acknowledge what’s coming, accept it, and redirect the energy. Applied to communication, this means relying on internal power—thinking, emotional control, mental agility—rather than external power—defending, convincing, blaming.

When feedback comes toward us, we can block it or redirect it toward something useful. Practically, this means focusing on the other person’s interests and guiding the conversation calmly to neutral ground.

It’s hard—especially when emotions are hijacked or assumptions about motives turn negative. But it’s worth considering, and practicing.

Micromanagement: What’s Really Happening?

Many complain about micromanagers. Few managers admit to being one. Most believe they’re simply ensuring results and supporting their team.

True micromanagement is extreme: assigning tasks, hovering, directing every move, and criticizing frequently. More often, we encounter well-intentioned leaders who get too involved in details instead of focusing on outcomes.

When you feel micromanagement breathing down your neck, resist the urge to push back. Instead, absorb the energy and manage it by asking questions:

• “Do you have a specific preference for how this is done?”
• “Are you comfortable with me making those decisions?”

Clarify goals and outcomes upfront. This reduces anxiety and creates space for you to learn and grow.

Ego: Friend or Foe?

Many of us think of ego as something negative, but in reality, ego is simply our sense of self—the way we define who we are and distinguish ourselves from others. It helps us interpret the world, face challenges, and protect ourselves from threats. In that sense, ego is essential to success.

The problem arises when ego becomes inflated or distorted. When we describe someone as having a “big ego,” we usually mean they have an exaggerated sense of self-worth. This can make us feel diminished or undervalued in their presence. None of us want to feel devalued, underappreciated, incapable, or incompetent. Yet, too often, we interpret the words or actions of others in ways that trigger those feelings.

To be an effective leader, we must learn to harness the power of ego rather than let it control us. Jim Collins explores this in his book Good to Great. His research found that the most successful leaders share two defining traits:

• Humility – Recognizing that leadership is about serving others and that true satisfaction comes from helping others succeed.
• Personal Will – The relentless determination to pursue a mission or goal that is bigger than oneself.

Collins uses a powerful metaphor: the window and the mirror.

• Self-serving leaders look in the mirror when things go well, admiring their own reflection and congratulating themselves. When things go wrong, they look out the window and find someone else to blame.
• Level 5 leaders—the kind Collins celebrates—do the opposite. When things go well, they look out the window and give credit to those around them. When things go wrong, they look in the mirror and ask, “What could I have done differently?”

That second type of leader is the one people want to follow.

Throughout my career, I often searched for these qualities in others—and was frequently disappointed. Eventually, with the help of some coaching, I realized that focusing on others’ shortcomings was far less productive than asking, “What kind of leader am I striving to be?” That shift helped me keep my own ego in check and reminded me that leadership starts with self-awareness and humility.

Final Thought

Building a productive relationship with your manager isn’t about avoiding conflict or pretending feedback doesn’t sting. It’s about understanding dynamics, managing energy, and practicing humility. Like a dance, it requires awareness, flexibility, and a willingness to move with—not against—the rhythm. And when we aim for a higher reach as leaders, we rise above reaction and choose growth—turning every interaction into an opportunity to strengthen trust and elevate our own leadership.