And other thoughts on how to create a positive and productive working relationship with your boss.
John Vitale
Sometimes it’s difficult to believe, but most of the time, your manager is on the same side as you. In many ways, doing is much easier than managing doers. When we are the doer, we are in control what, how, how fast and how well. We provide ourselves with immediate feedback and may more graciously allow for errors and imperfections. When we manage others, we have significantly less control over the variables, however, we may still be accountable for the results or the consequences of failure. Most of us answer to someone. Our challenge is how to make the most of that relationship so that we can achieve shared goals in an environment that creates a feeling of personal success and satisfaction. Below are a few thoughts on the dynamics of these relationships and how to work more effectively within those dynamics.
The first thing to understand is that feedback is a constant and crucial element of the manager/team member relationship. The problem is that most of us struggle with receiving feedback. No matter how well intended, a suggestion, critical comment, or alternative solution can cause an emotional reaction or create tension. In his most recent book entitled “Triggers” Marshall Goldsmith described a process of Trigger → Impulse → Behavior that causes us to either become inwardly frustrated or outwardly uncooperative. We are often unaware of these triggers. In the Jan/Feb 2014 issue of Harvard Business Review, Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone described three triggers that occur in us when we receive feedback.
- Truth triggers are set off by the content of the feedback. If you feel the feedback is unhelpful or untrue, it provokes feelings of frustration, anger and distrust.
- Relationship triggers are tripped by the person providing the feedback. If you don’t believe the person giving the feedback understands/appreciates the situation or has credibility on the topic, you will likely reject or resent it.
- Identity triggers are about your relationship with yourself. Regardless of whether or not the feedback is valid, if it causes you to doubt your capabilities, effectiveness or value, it creates an emotional reaction.
These responses are all perfectly natural. There is no point in pretending that they don’t exist. However, if we can seek to understand the intent behind the feedback and out likely response, we can better prepare for it and even find benefit in it.
Karate vs. Akido
Years ago, I was introduced to the martial art of Akido in the context of communication from Meg Wheatly in “Leadership and the New Science.” According to Dr. Wheatley, typically in change, we often put ourselves in a defensive stance. I think this is also true in communication, particularly, when we feel we are being criticized or attacked. We often block, counter or neutralize an attack by defending our position or attempting to prove the other person wrong. This approach, from a martial arts perspective is more like Karate which focuses on preparing for attack and blocking and striking in self-defense.
The principles of Aikido include acknowledging what is coming toward you, accepting it, and redirecting the energy. When we adopt Akido principles in communication, we rely more on “internal power” (thinking, emotional control, mental agility) as opposed to “external power” (defending, convincing, blaming). As feedback comes toward us, we can either try to block it, or take it and redirect our thinking and our actions toward something useful and positive. In practical terms, this means we should redirect our energy to understanding the other person’s interests, needs, or point of view and to use a more calm but assertive approach to keep or guide the conversation to a neutral place. This is extremely difficult, especially if our emotions have become “hijacked” by something the other person has said, or if our underlying assumptions or conclusions about the other person’s motives or intention are negative.
Micromanagement
Many team members and leaders complain that their boss is a micromanager. Very few bosses would describe themselves this way, however. Most would say that they are interested in achieving results and providing support to their team members. I do think it is helpful to distinguish one from another. A true micromanager will assign tasks and provide excessive supervision accompanied by frequent direction and criticism. They are certain that they can do the job better than the person they have assigned it to and attempt to do it through your hands. This is the extreme.
More frequently, we find well intended leaders that are overly involved in the details rather than focusing on the intended outcomes. Whatever the case, when we feel the hot breath of micromanagement on our neck, rather than pushing back (reread the paragraph above), we will do better to absorb the energy and manage it by asking questions. I have found that, in many cases, my manager is simply seeking to ease his or her anxiety that comes from not being in complete control of the situation. He or she may also be trying to “help” or at least add value. Typically, we feel that the comments or advice are neither helpful or of much value, however, if we can accept them in the spirit in which they were intended, we may find them to be less irritating.
One way to manage an over-interested or over-involved boss is to ask questions. When accepting an assignment, ask if they have a specific preference for the how or if they are comfortable with you making those decisions. Spend time up front clarifying the goal and/or intended outcome. This will help reduce your manager’s anxiety and perhaps provide you the space to learn and grow.
Ego
Many of us consider the ego to be something negative. The fact is our ego is our definition of self that distinguishes us from others. We use our ego to understand and decode the world, face challenges and protect ourselves from threats. It is essential to our success. When we characterize someone as having an “big ego” we are implying that he or she has an exaggerated self-worth. We may feel diminished by this person. None of us want to feel devalued, under-appreciate, incapable or incompetent. Too frequently we interpret the words, actions, or behaviors of others to trigger such feelings. To be an effective leader, we must constantly work to harness the power of our ego.
Jim Collins talks about this in his book, Good to Great. In his research, he found that the best leaders have a combination of two characteristics – Humility and personal will. He described will as the unrelenting determination to follow through on a mission or goal that is bigger than oneself. Humility comes from the recognition that leadership is about serving others and that true satisfaction comes from that. He described this with the metaphor of a window and a mirror. He said that, for ego centric (self-serving leaders), when things are going well, they will look in the mirror, admire their own reflection, and tell themselves how good they are. When things go wrong, they look out the window and seek someone to blame. For “Level 5” leaders (as he called them), when things go well, they look out the window and find those around them to recognize and give credit. When things go wrong, they look in the mirror and ask themselves, “What could I have done differently?” The second type of leader is what we strive to be, and the kind of leader people will want to follow.
Throughout my career, as I have looked for these qualities in others, I have been consistently disappointed. Ultimately, I learned, with the help of some coaching, that there is more value in focusing on what kind of leader I am trying to be than the failings of others. This also helped me keep my own ego in check.
One of the greatest challenges of being a leader today is the pace at which things are moving. We are challenged to multitask on more dimensions than at any time in our history. At the same time, we must take the time to reflect on the quality of our thinking and invest in the quality of our relationships.
JCV Higher Reach 